“… finally coming to…” a deep voice whispered in a distant dark corner of the room. So dark you could barely breathe, he tried to move his eyelids in an attempt to see where he had managed to get himself this time, all in vain. He was blindfolded. But it was dark in that room… if it was a room at all he thought. In all honesty he had no idea…
He slowly started to remember fragments of more lit moments before this one as his clarity of mind was coming back to him painfully slow. He thought this was no good time for a sluggish mind stream. He remembered his laptop opened on the solid wooden desk in his study. He remembered the bluish electric shadow of a light it cast on the walls… had he been working? Yes. He remembered the deep fragrance of the cherry cigar and the liquid fire of his whisky. Ah, what he wouldn’t give to have a taste of each of those, feel how the mixture filled him up, making him feel the deep quiet it usually provided him when his thoughts were troubled. Troubled, yes. He could now not recall why he had been troubled. Nor did it matter. Not for his current state of being.
Shifting his limbs on the cold floor he could feel … restrained. His hands had been tied behind his back, his legs tied together at the ankles. How much it hurt him, how it stopped the circulation in his extremities. He could also feel some dull pain in odd places all over his body… bruises no doubt. He really had not been handled with care at all.
“Don’t worry too much yet, mister Serrat” the deep voice said with a hint of sarcasm. “You will not be leaving here for a while…”
Moving his head backwards, the young man opened his mouth and drew in a breath heavily… finally uttering “Wh – ere am… I?” his ribcage struggling to mold to the needs of this young man into words that required answers.
A flash of remembrance sent another bolt of pain through his entire body… Two men wearing back… much taller than himself… the prickling pain of a needle that pierced his skin… falling to the ground and losing his sight slowly as the fog of the drug settled in over him.
“Please… I have done …nothing..to you.” he struggled desperately to whisper in the hope that he would be heard. Perhaps even taken pity on. No.
“-You-? Done –nothing-? Mister Serrat, you really have your mind clouded. Even if I admit to you telling the truth now, your fate is in the hands of my superior.” And saying that he frowned and stood up. The young man could hear the sound of his footsteps approaching… his breath turned uneven as his every fiber was invaded at a maddening speed with fear. Primal fear. The footsteps stopped at a small distance from his head. He pressed his lips together as he felt with his being that more pain was about to bite into his very soul.
The man with the deep voice lowered his body next to him and curled his fingers in his black hair. Tightening his grip, the man yanked his head from the floor and whispered in an even deeper voice… “You will pay, you know. And soon. Have patience, …your highness.” You could hear the malefic grin on his face that was pulsating in his whispers even more with every drop of irony. It flowed like poison on the skin of this cheeks and forehead and smeared the young man making him feel dirty with desperation.
He had been a protected as a child. Now, alone in this world, he was called the “prince of dusk”. His eyes always told the story of dusk. Dying light, making room for darkness in his soul…and even more definetly, in his current situation…
…his head was let to drop down on the cold floor once more… he moaned in pain. Waiting.
Hello
It’s me, Wereflower from Deviantart…
Of course I instantly came here to read your stories, or at least start doing so.
I really, really love your style of writing but I found some minor things which might be considered mistakes or are at least likely to confuse the reader. Of course, everything I mention below is nothing more than my own opinion and thoughts and nobody needs to share these.
“So dark you could barely breathe” -> this does not fit, because darkness doesn’t hinder your breathing. I get the picture you are trying to create, of a “tangible”, suffocating darkness, but you should try to word it differently. Maybe in a more figurative sense. Also, if you are not going to keep addressing the reader in person as the main character, you should change the “you” to “one”.
The transition to the next part of the sentence (“he tried to move his eyelids…”) does not fit so well either, it’s better to start a new sentence before “he”, because the two parts are not connected by their content.
“He was blindfolded. But it was dark in that room.” -> again, I think I get what you want to say. It’s not wrong but you could have worked it out more clearly, something like: He had been blindfolded, but even if he had not, he (or something else for “he” this time, like… “the captive”) would not have been able to see anything (or something more pictorial), as it was dark in the room.” Or something else for dark, try to avoid repetition. You could use “pitch black” here, for example.
I hope I’m not being too detailed here, I just love the atmosphere you create and have so many ideas… I don’t mean to lower your texts worth or something like that. So, I’ll go on now… bear with me :/
A little later you choose the same beginning for your sentence five times in a row. Usually you should avoid those things but in this case I think you chose wisely, as it stresses the passage, which you – I believe – intended.
“Shifting his limbs on the cold floor he could feel … restrained.” I think this is simply a question of words, maybe you meant “felt… restrained” or did you mean “he could feel… restraints”, which would be the better of those two options in my opinion.
“Two men wearing back…” -> typo, I guess? You probably meant “black”. Fits into the scene of darkness (as well as the deep voice), however, if everything is dark, deep, black and heavy, it may seem a little… outworn or corny, if you know what I mean.
“the prickling pain of a needle that pierced his skin… falling to the ground and losing his sight slowly…” -> Again, I get what you mean but at first I got confused and thought you meant the needle falling to the ground… a little unclear here until you finish the passage, may need a little work if you like
“…he struggled desperately to whisper in the hope that he would be heard.” A little paradox, I think. He does not whisper in order to be heard, I guess, but he whispers and hoped the other man heard him nonetheless. However, your sentence implies the first meaning rather than the second
“The man with the deep voice lowered his body next to him and curled his fingers in his black hair.” -> As my teacher would’ve put it… Who’s “he”? You use “he” first for the deep voiced man, then for the captive. Of course one can guess what you mean, still it staunches the flow of reading.
“…and whispered in an even deeper voice…” -> try to exchange the adjective “deep” to something else. Avoid repetition in order to keep your characters and the atmosphere fresh and colourful for the reader. Intense, vibrant, sonorous voice, maybe, if any of these suit you, or maybe you describe another feature of the voice? Such as “cold” or “harsh” or something like that.
Okay, I guess I’m done bleating
Regardless of the things mentioned, I really love the first chapter of this story and I can’t wait to read more. However, tell me if a “critique” like this is okay for you, I will gladly do it again but only if it’s okay for you. Of course, I make mistakes too, especially because English is only my second language. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I’m trying to help
Greetings from Germany and Gute Nacht
Chris
Actually I want to thank you for the critique. This is where the truth is told and I will do my best to remedy some of those little …’glitches’ of my story.
English is my second language as well so I suppose that leaves enough room for mistakes on my part. And yes… I agree. I went over board with the darkness bit. ^_^
I would like you to keep at it with these comments! Of course!
Greetings from Romania
Cristala
Great
I’m so glad I could / can help 
As soon as I have time I will read and comment more 
By all means! I will write some more soon.